Weirdness, embarrassment, and guilt. Three emotions I am feeling as I write this. I have not stuck to my guns on any, and I mean not ONE, goal I have set so far. Ultimate fail. I guess the thing about setting a lot of goals at once is that maybe you can't meet them all or any for that matter. But, I think there is a small, flickering, ash that might be considered light at the end of this tunnel...
In my failure of the past month or so, I have come to realize a few things about myself. And by realize, I mean actually acknowledge and accept the issues I have surrounding food and my weight. I guess I haven't REALLY accepted that I need to make a lifestyle change. I mean, I am totally gung-ho when I begin the process (I.e. the reason for the change in topic regarding this blog.. see earlier posts..) and then somewhere down the line, usually about a month or so in, I have one small event, upset, or change in my usual routine that upsets my entire plan. It's like I just can't multitask-which if you know me, that is extremely annoying to me. Usually, after I have my break or interruption, I do the "ok, I already ruined it so now I'll just drink a birthday batter milkshake and start over later." Or the, "I better eat all I can because I'm going to start again soon" mentality overwhelms me. Even though I am a perfectly sound, degree-having, and thoroughly interested in overall good health person, I still succumb to that irrational, food-fueled, emotionally draining process of stopping and starting a "lifestyle change," or let me just be frank - DIET! Hence, my failure.
I know that "lifestyle" changes are supposed to be the antithesis to diet, but if I am going to make a lifestyle change that NEVER includes a birthday-batter milkshake, I might not want that lifestyle. Now of course, people have told me and I used to think it myself that "moderation" is key. Well, I'm here to tell you, moderation hasn't, didn't, and probably won't work for me...but maybe a lifestyle change won't either? I know that lifestyle changes mean you don't eat pizza and or pasta on Friday nights anymore because that's what you've done for the past 26 (almost 27) years. But does it mean I can never have it again on a Friday night? Gosh, I hope not! But, in the short term I guess I can't have it anymore. I guess what I am saying in a very convoluted way here is that I need to figure out why I can only make the changes that I know are necessary and have been successful for a temporary amount of time.
Dieting is bad, I get it. Moderation is an old way of thinking. I get it. Lifestyle change is good. I get it. Lifestyle change is for life...not getting it..yet. I guess I forgot, or didn't realize, or didn't accept that lifestyle change also requires a change of heart and mind. I have avoided that part of the process. I have avoided talking myself through cravings, hell, even discussing cravings. I know I need to do the emotional and mental part of a lifestyle change. I just don't know..how I guess. Yes, of course I can eat pasta or pizza on Friday if I want to; it's actually making that pasta and tomato sauce homemade that's going to allow me to have it. It's also taking the time to find whole wheat flour to make my own pizza dough. It's telling someone no, I can't eat at 5 guys for lunch today (although every part of me wants to devour a large fry with salt and vinegar and ketchup dripping from the tray <-- see that's a problem). Saying it is easy, trust me, I've said it a thousand times. Now, how do I stick to it for more than a month? Any takers?