Progress Pic

Progress Pic
I hope to do another one of these with more recent pics soon!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I didn't mean to scare ya!

Okay so to offset my last depressing post (basically a look into my true emotions) I wanted to make a list of things that highlights my everyday idiosyncrasies. This way, in future posts I will not have to interrupt my stories with parenthetical citations about the meaning of something or descriptions if you will :) And you all can get a good LOL. Enjoy!

1. I make the decisions on where to go based on if they have parking-unless of course its in the actual city, Manhattan, during the times I can't park. And by can't park, I mean I am not willing to pay that day.

2. There are times when I can go two, three and on a REALLY bad week, four days without interacting face-to-face with another human being. I mean like conversing, saying more than thank you, you're welcome--and even then I'm the only one saying those words.

3. I have once gone years without crying (I think 2 or 3), but since I've moved here I have cried about once a week, and not just a whimper, but an Oscar award-winning, gut-wrenching, eye-swelling cry. And let me be honest, I've even been so upset that I have had to leave a public place because I could not control myself.

4. I've done more activities, such as seeing movies/theatre performances, restaurant touring, shopping, and concerts in ATHENS, OHIO alone than I have since moving to Queens, but I guess I was there for 6 years..let me reconsider this

5. I have more frequent flyer miles than EVER before because I'm constantly booking flights to leave and my car service knows me by name when I call.

6. Ive been on 4 or 5 "dates." And with the exception of one person, ALL of them have considered me to be "country" and "nice" yet, they think I am stupid. Booski, its cute how you think I am country just because I could drive at the legal age of 16 and actually had a car. Its also cute how these gutter-living lames think I should be grateful to be living in the dirtiest city in the country. Further, its REALLY cute how these men think I am uppity because I refuse to be 30 years old sharing a 3 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn with 2 couples. Boo, there are almost 3000 miles of the USA to the West of you, get a map and a Broker you idiot! So that's the type of men I am working with here. And one last thing I wish I could scream at them all---> If you're not Jay Z, Johnny Cochran, or any other multi-millionaire, you're not doing it in NY.

7. I just assume that it will take an hour or longer no matter what time of day to get anywhere around the 8 square miles of Queens/BK/Manhattan (I don't even consider going to the Bronx or Staten Island). And 99.9% of the time I am right.

8. I no longer ask for help from ANYBODY. If I can't do it or find it myself, then oh well I guess. I am not about to keep putting myself out there because eventually I will end up in jail for B****-slapping one of these people for their attitude.

9. I can see all the "limited release" new movies, too bad I don't like seeing a movie alone-its creepy and unsafe.

10. In the two years I was in grad school, I probably read 2 entire books. That's all our textbooks, other reading books, articles, COMBINED. In the past three months I have been here, I've read upwards of 15 novels.

11. Because there are NO drive-thrus and I haven't had a double cheeseburger since the summer, I should be thin, but I cook at home and tend to eat my emotions.

12. People always rave about the shopping in NYC whenever I tell them about living here. Too bad they dont think about the fact that I really don't fit any of the clothes so its really irrelevant to me. In fact, its so irrelevant I drive 30 minutes to Long Island-away from the city- to shop at Torrid and Lane Bryant. Ohh yeah, its SOO great...smh.

13. I have interest in volunteering at a women's shelter or dog shelter, but the fact that I don't have hours to waste traveling (I do work in my spare time) and the fact that I could end up in one of them makes me second-guess it every time I consider going.

14. I'm "friends" with a few Sorors locally, but I'm not a club rat, and I am not trying to join their chapter, and they have their own lives, but they are cool so when I am hanging out with them, its like a HUGE event in my life.

15. I refuse to get one of those rolling carts that people (and by people I mean homeless people) use to carry groceries or whatever else because their primary mode of transportation is their two feet, so grocery shopping is a drag when I am carrying 100 bucks worth of groceries from my car, which is nowhere near my dorm.

16. People send me things in the mail like birthday cards, wish you well cards etc, but I don't get them for months because my address is 6 lines long and I am new here so it takes a few weeks for the mail room to recognize that I work AND live here.

17. Everyone with AT&T is pretty much my best friend since I've used about 3500 mobile to mobile minutes this month alone. I catch up with people I haven't heard from in years-literally.

18. I love having people come visit me so I can show them what I am talking about. Y'all know, the fancy NYC stuff and then I quickly bring them back to reality on an hour train ride, 15 minute bus ride and a 10 minute walk back to my dorm room.

19. I am too paranoid and scared to ride the trains with my ipod playing. I am scared someone will either A. steal it or rob me for all I've got, B. I will miss some important announcement, or for that fact my stop C. I will be oblivious to a ticking bomb or something. Basically, fearing for my life is a regular occurrence for me.

20. Overall, all the inconvenient, irrelevant and irritating aspects of living here are really not that bad (yes, you do become a part of your environment if you stay in it long enough). Its the isolation that is the killer.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'm back, again!

Alright y'all. I promise from this blog on, I am going to try to write more often. Its just that creatively, I am stifled by the 6 walls of my dorm-room-with-a-stove-style apartment. And while I basically ramble on in these posts about my first-time experiences and my general distaste for all those mundane NY things like bus rides, roaches, and trains lately I've just been numb to it all. Walling it up inside, which leads me to me to another first.

I made an appointment to go to the doctor. Thankfully that process in itself wasn't painful because someone I know was nice enough to recommend someone close by, with a parking lot. So, I go to this doctor's office for just a general checkup. I had been having a rough day, it was week 3 (which means there's a drop in the level of hormones I am getting from my birth control), and I probably hadn't talked to a person face to face in 48 hours. I get to the doctor's and I am patiently waiting and she takes me back into her office. I began filling out the forms and it overwhelmed me. The forms asked me to list a few things: Close relative in case of emergency--nobody, significant other--nobody, who to call in case you have a mental breakdown in my office--nobody. Okay, so the last one wasn't really on the forms, but lets call that a foreshadow.

So I filled out the paperwork and I could just feel a lump rising in my throat as I considered the fact that I could die in my apartment and no one would know until I didn't answer my office phone for about a week. That took me over the edge, the tears just started flowing and my chest started heaving. I frantically patted my eyes and cleared my throat so as to look semi-normal or at best "sick" when the doctor came back into the room. Yeah, I wasn't that good at hiding the fact that I was crying when she asked "Are you crying?" And I burst into a full-blown sob. I've never cried in a Doctor's office. Not even when they told me I had a tumor that could be cancerous and proceeded to cut me open and remove a few organs. Still didnt cry. Though it wasnt cancerous, and I hurt something REALLY bad, I never cried actually...but I digress. Anyway.

I immediately apologized and told her that I am not sick, I am just frustrated and alone. Until that moment, I had never really admitted it to anyone. Yes I am an only child and am used to entertaining myself, yes I am known to be somewhat of a loner, only really close to a few people, but here and now I'm just alone, thus lonely. I don't even have my dog, let alone someone I would consider a real friend here. But anyway, I explained the situation (the job, leaving the midwest, not knowing one person when I got here and leaving my life as I knew it) and the Doc was understanding. She's not from NY either. Her advice, in short, was to leave.

The Doc pointed out that while yes, the economy is bad and I've only been here 3 months (103 days to be exact), and I love the job, my happiness and mental stability might be at risk if I stay. She also pointed out that I must not be adjusting very well if I am in her office having a mental break down about a non-medically related issue and I'm otherwise young and healthy. She had more than made her point. However, I am not so sure I am sold on it. I'm not happy that's for sure, but I guess I am not sure that I am UNhappy either. I make good money, I live for free (relatively) I can do and see just about anything I want to. I just don't know if having those amenities with nobody to share them with is worth it. I am over the fact that everyone here treats you like crap for the most part, but it might be better received if I didnt come home to an empty dorm room. I also don't want to be a quitter, but I am giving it effort with seemingly no results.

Now don't misunderstand me. I do have some friends. My gay friend (leave it to me to find the gays) and I are very cool, but I gotta be real I'm never finding any new friends (or a man) when we are trolling the bars on Christopher street. I am not trying to hang out with people in Jamaica, I don't have a bulletproof vest-though its on my Christmas list. I don't have a family here so people with kids and I don't have that much in common. I mean I can hang with a few people in Brooklyn, but commuting over an hour each way,again alone? There are just no happy medium people like myself, that live in Queens or close to me, that are not rude, that have their lives together--bka are in school/graduated, have legit jobs, etc. (prior to this experience, I would never say I'm a "medium," but whatever). I recognize that there is growth in discomfort, however, if growth means I become an inconsiderate biotch because I'm adjusting to the "culture" I'm happy to be stagnate. I'm from a student affairs background. Learning how to meet people is like a CLASS we had to take. I know what to do, however, that's not working here.

I dont know y'all. Is it worth it?

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Empire State of Mind!

Well it’s been a while, almost a month I know! I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for such a long time, but really I have just been in a funk and haven’t had much commentary for you all, but I am back in action now with a couple “firsts” and just some general thoughts.

OMG the BEST first experience I have had so far… MARIAH CAREY on the TODAY show. Now ya’ll know I love some Mariah. I will do almost anything to see her (including take a morning off work). So I got up at 5am on Oct. 2nd (I like to think she performed for me because she knew my birthday was coming up soon). I was on the train at 545am. At 6:40 I walked into Rockefeller center and heard the angelic voice of Mimi coming out to do her warm-ups! I rushed into the crowd (yes the crowd was deep at 6:45am although she was not slated to perform until 8:30am on air) and she gave it her everything. Those high notes. Five songs. Best. Morning. Ever. Oh and to top it off, on my way to see Mariah, Jay Z and Alicia Keys were filming Empire State of Mind, the video, in Times Square. Maybe things are looking up around here ;) Moving along to the rest of the weekend…

Finally, I had my first out of state visitor this weekend! My mommy came to see me for my birthday (Oct. 5th- go me! I am 25 now). She came on Saturday morning. It was my first time driving to LaGuardia Airport--airports are horrendous as it is, but this one was actually not that bad since it doesn’t have many companies flying into it. Okay, so she arrived at 8:20am, early, but good because there was not so much traffic. I get to the airport in less than 15 minutes, which in and of itself is a miracle. It is only 5 miles away from my dorm (which in Midwest land 5 miles= 5 minutes, but not here in hell, I mean Queens). Of course, when I got to the airport, I had a few issues.

There are five parking lots at the airport and three terminals, Delta, United Airways, and the Central terminal. Of course, my mom was flying into the central terminal, the hardest one to access. So I park in a short term lot. I walk inside, thinking I am going to get on a walkway or an escalator thingy to get over to the terminal. Wrong. I had to take a bus to get to the terminal. And when I say “bus” I am talking a legit city bus that loops around the airport. Seriously? They could not spring for an inter-terminal tram like every other major airport in life? Oh Right, this airport was built in 1920 like the rest of NY. So, I guess that’s an excuse for it to be dirty and ghetto all the time, but whatever, I digress. So after taking yet another bus trip in my miserable life, I met my mom in the baggage claim of the terminal. Finally, someone who understands me! When she heard about taking the bus back to my car she just laughed and patted me. Thanks, Mom.

Along to another first for the weekend…My mom was here so I was feeling very bold and empowered this weekend because I actually know more about getting around here than someone else (this is not something I am used to here in my new locale). So.. after being disgusted and frustrated and irritated from riding public transportation for hours to go less than a total of 5 miles, my mom said, “Why don’t you just pay to park in the city, you make enough.” I just looked kind of sideways at her and thought about it. And yes, parking in the city is AWFUL and EXPENSIVE when you go during the week and rush hours and etc. But, it was a Sunday so my mom figured we should try it. I was more than apprehensive. My guts were in a roar, but I took my antacid and decided we would try it.

Fifteen minutes later I was pulling into a Valet parking garage on West 40th and dropping 20 bucks for the remainder of the day (we got there around 130pm). And so now I guess I will be going into the city only at night and on It was almost too easy. In fact, I am still waiting for something to go wrong with it today (I know there is a risk of traffic, but it’s a risk I will take to avoid an incredibly germ encroached bus and train ride)! Wait, is that another POSITIVE “first” experience? Wow. Even I am taken aback. Once again, thanks Mom.

Well, I guess that’s not all. I had one other positive first experience a few weeks ago—before Mimi and Mommy. I went out with my Sorors to a birthday party. It was actually fun and it was at a lounge in, gasp, Queens. It was called “Hush.” They have a Web site so you can look it up if you don’t believe it was nice and in Queens (I mean if I were the reader of this blog, I would need evidence of its niceness It was a really fun time, but unfortunately it happened a while ago so I am struggling to recall the details of it. But know this, I have not been back, I wasted a dress as there were about 7 men there and 3.5 of them had white tennis shoes on in a lounge. That left about 4, which 2 of them were already attached and for the other ones, well we all know the saying about how men are like parking spaces, all the good men are taken except, well you know the rest. But, I did meet some nice Sorors and by meet I mean exchange screams in between the beats bumping over the speakers. A good time, but it’s been overshadowed by my current depression settling in as the winter approaches and I realize I am about to embark on another holiday season alone- yet again. I digress.

There's more I'd like to say, but I am too tired to write more. Plus I need to vent but I am not ready to talk about that yet.. more to come later lovers!


ps. Lady GaGa gives me EVERYTHING I NEED!