Alright y'all. I promise from this blog on, I am going to try to write more often. Its just that creatively, I am stifled by the 6 walls of my dorm-room-with-a-stove-style apartment. And while I basically ramble on in these posts about my first-time experiences and my general distaste for all those mundane NY things like bus rides, roaches, and trains lately I've just been numb to it all. Walling it up inside, which leads me to me to another first.
I made an appointment to go to the doctor. Thankfully that process in itself wasn't painful because someone I know was nice enough to recommend someone close by, with a parking lot. So, I go to this doctor's office for just a general checkup. I had been having a rough day, it was week 3 (which means there's a drop in the level of hormones I am getting from my birth control), and I probably hadn't talked to a person face to face in 48 hours. I get to the doctor's and I am patiently waiting and she takes me back into her office. I began filling out the forms and it overwhelmed me. The forms asked me to list a few things: Close relative in case of emergency--nobody, significant other--nobody, who to call in case you have a mental breakdown in my office--nobody. Okay, so the last one wasn't really on the forms, but lets call that a foreshadow.
So I filled out the paperwork and I could just feel a lump rising in my throat as I considered the fact that I could die in my apartment and no one would know until I didn't answer my office phone for about a week. That took me over the edge, the tears just started flowing and my chest started heaving. I frantically patted my eyes and cleared my throat so as to look semi-normal or at best "sick" when the doctor came back into the room. Yeah, I wasn't that good at hiding the fact that I was crying when she asked "Are you crying?" And I burst into a full-blown sob. I've never cried in a Doctor's office. Not even when they told me I had a tumor that could be cancerous and proceeded to cut me open and remove a few organs. Still didnt cry. Though it wasnt cancerous, and I hurt something REALLY bad, I never cried actually...but I digress. Anyway.
I immediately apologized and told her that I am not sick, I am just frustrated and alone. Until that moment, I had never really admitted it to anyone. Yes I am an only child and am used to entertaining myself, yes I am known to be somewhat of a loner, only really close to a few people, but here and now I'm just alone, thus lonely. I don't even have my dog, let alone someone I would consider a real friend here. But anyway, I explained the situation (the job, leaving the midwest, not knowing one person when I got here and leaving my life as I knew it) and the Doc was understanding. She's not from NY either. Her advice, in short, was to leave.
The Doc pointed out that while yes, the economy is bad and I've only been here 3 months (103 days to be exact), and I love the job, my happiness and mental stability might be at risk if I stay. She also pointed out that I must not be adjusting very well if I am in her office having a mental break down about a non-medically related issue and I'm otherwise young and healthy. She had more than made her point. However, I am not so sure I am sold on it. I'm not happy that's for sure, but I guess I am not sure that I am UNhappy either. I make good money, I live for free (relatively) I can do and see just about anything I want to. I just don't know if having those amenities with nobody to share them with is worth it. I am over the fact that everyone here treats you like crap for the most part, but it might be better received if I didnt come home to an empty dorm room. I also don't want to be a quitter, but I am giving it effort with seemingly no results.
Now don't misunderstand me. I do have some friends. My gay friend (leave it to me to find the gays) and I are very cool, but I gotta be real I'm never finding any new friends (or a man) when we are trolling the bars on Christopher street. I am not trying to hang out with people in Jamaica, I don't have a bulletproof vest-though its on my Christmas list. I don't have a family here so people with kids and I don't have that much in common. I mean I can hang with a few people in Brooklyn, but commuting over an hour each way,again alone? There are just no happy medium people like myself, that live in Queens or close to me, that are not rude, that have their lives together--bka are in school/graduated, have legit jobs, etc. (prior to this experience, I would never say I'm a "medium," but whatever). I recognize that there is growth in discomfort, however, if growth means I become an inconsiderate biotch because I'm adjusting to the "culture" I'm happy to be stagnate. I'm from a student affairs background. Learning how to meet people is like a CLASS we had to take. I know what to do, however, that's not working here.
I dont know y'all. Is it worth it?