I Can Change...Right?

Weirdness, embarrassment, and guilt. Three emotions I am feeling as I write this. I have not stuck to my guns on any, and I mean not ONE, goal I have set so far. Ultimate fail. I guess the thing about setting a lot of goals at once is that maybe you can't meet them all or any for that matter. But, I think there is a small, flickering, ash that might be considered light at the end of this tunnel...

In my failure of the past month or so, I have come to realize a few things about myself. And by realize, I mean actually acknowledge and accept the issues I have surrounding food and my weight. I guess I haven't REALLY accepted that I need to make a lifestyle change. I mean, I am totally gung-ho when I begin the process (I.e. the reason for the change in topic regarding this blog.. see earlier posts..) and then somewhere down the line, usually about a month or so in, I have one small event, upset, or change in my usual routine that upsets my entire plan. It's like I just can't multitask-which if you know me, that is extremely annoying to me. Usually, after I have my break or interruption, I do the "ok, I already ruined it so now I'll just drink a birthday batter milkshake and start over later." Or the, "I better eat all I can because I'm going to start again soon" mentality overwhelms me. Even though I am a perfectly sound, degree-having, and thoroughly interested in overall good health person, I still succumb to that irrational, food-fueled, emotionally draining process of stopping and starting a "lifestyle change," or let me just be frank - DIET! Hence, my failure.

I know that "lifestyle" changes are supposed to be the antithesis to diet, but if I am going to make a lifestyle change that NEVER includes a birthday-batter milkshake, I might not want that lifestyle. Now of course, people have told me and I used to think it myself that "moderation" is key. Well, I'm here to tell you, moderation hasn't, didn't, and probably won't work for me...but maybe a lifestyle change won't either? I know that lifestyle changes mean you don't eat pizza and or pasta on Friday nights anymore because that's what you've done for the past 26 (almost 27) years. But does it mean I can never have it again on a Friday night? Gosh, I hope not! But, in the short term I guess I can't have it anymore. I guess what I am saying in a very convoluted way here is that I need to figure out why I can only make the changes that I know are necessary and have been successful for a temporary amount of time.

Dieting is bad, I get it. Moderation is an old way of thinking. I get it. Lifestyle change is good. I get it.  Lifestyle change is for life...not getting it..yet. I guess I forgot, or didn't realize, or didn't accept that lifestyle change also requires a change of heart and mind. I have avoided that part of the process. I have avoided talking myself through cravings, hell, even discussing cravings. I know I need to do the emotional and mental part of a lifestyle change. I just don't know..how I guess. Yes, of course I can eat pasta or pizza on Friday if I want to; it's actually making that pasta and tomato sauce homemade that's going to allow me to have it. It's also taking the time to find whole wheat flour to make my own pizza dough. It's telling someone no, I can't eat at 5 guys for lunch today (although every part of me wants to devour a large fry with salt and vinegar and ketchup dripping from the tray <-- see that's a problem). Saying it is easy, trust me, I've said it a thousand times. Now, how do I stick to it for more than a month? Any takers?

Trouble For Me!

Where in the world have I been? I don't even like writing this, I feel so guilty. I have not written for a while and I am feeling it. I have so many things to talk about, so please forgive me, this will be long and random...

I went on a couple road trips and saw a few concerts recently so it's been a busy end of the summer. I am also co-planning RA Training (anyone in higher ed knows this sucks) and getting ready to open a new building. Thankfully, my homie Yetty set me up before she left for NYU. Now, as for my food intake. It has honestly been hit or miss. I have not eaten too much processed food, but eating out sometimes does not allow..well actually, I am not strong enough to resist the processed foods when I am not cooking. I haven't eaten McDonalds, but I am sure Wendy's and Sbarros have a helluva process they put their food through as well. So yes, I have failed in my quest to eat only natural foods.

I have also not tracked a thing for the last week. I just haven't had the energy. I am getting back on track though, and soon. I feel so unnatural not doing it. I feel guilty. Ugh. Oh and I am sick right now. It's a head cold, ya know, stuffy nose, itchy throat, cough. Still, not an excuse not to track. I also felt bad this past week because I haven't seen the inside of a gym for a while. I'm in a rut and I gotta get out of it soon. Grr, I need to do better! I want to make new goals and evaluate (read: see how badly I failed at the first set) my old goals. I also want to try a few new challenges regarding exercise, but time is not on my side!

Oh yeah, on a side note. I absolutely cannot ingest McDonald's food anymore. If that were a goal (not eating McDonalds) I would have met it to the Nth degree. So, you can imagine my disgust when I watched someone order a 20-piece chicken mcnugget box for a 6 year old. I am naturally a judging person (ENTJ). To a fault, I freely admit it. I try to work on it, but sometimes the worst of it comes out of me! And when a grown man ordered that for his child..it DEFINITELY reared it's ugly head. The sad part was that she proudly proclaimed she ate almost all of them. I am especially upset because I think that my dad would've done the same thing for me. Any food item I wanted at 6 six years of age I was allowed to have. He did it out of love I think..and a lot of ignorance. I know I am no supermodel and I am not perfect by any means and my eating habits have a long way to go before they are even close to good, but that's why I am changing them. Hopefully, I can show my child love without the use of food or two magical golden arches that have marketed salt and fat as acceptable fare for children. "I'm [NOT] lovin' it."

And that ends my rant. I have so much work coming in the next few days, I don't know when I am going to get back to my blog, but I AM going to get back to it. I hope there's no more trouble for me on food front.. Until we meet again!

Moving On Up!

Hello all. I am so sorry for my absence! Let me explain, the weekend of the 23rd of July my bestie from STJ moved to NYU so I helped her do that. Then last weekend, I moved to a different residence hall on St. John's campus. So, in between those dates was a lot of packing, lifting, moving, and redecorating. Also, my mom came to visit last weekend (still sad she's gone). I have been busy to say the least. However, not too busy to keep on track..sorta.

The week before last, I wrote everything and I still exercised some. I can't remember the days I did it, but I know I did! That's what I get for not tracking my workouts immediately huh? Anyway, this past week I did okay. I tracked everything until Friday. And Saturday. Oops. I won't even try to make up an excuse about why I didn't write anything. I just didn't. I guess I just wanted to kind of test myself as well. Would I just eat whatever because "I'm not counting anyway" or "this weekend is a freebie?" Well I am proud to say, I didn't give up and go hog wild (literally-no bacon!). I still ate veggies, lean meats, and a very small amount of processed food. .More updates to come!

Girl I'm Gonna Make You Sweat

Ok I know I just wrote recently, but I couldn't resist talking about my sweaty shirt today. I know that this may seem trivial to most, and it's really not an accomplishment to the average person, but I think its important for me to acknowledge. For months at a time I have worked out at my gym. I have also walked miles around the neighborhood, sweated in the car on a hot day, but I have NEVER been able to "sweat out" my tee shirt at the gym. Oh and I try!

I wear dark purple tee shirts, light blue tee shirts, grey tee shirts, I mean I think you get the point (all tees that sweat can easily show through). I press my shirt against my back when we get water breaks in my classes, I sometimes watch myself in the mirror to see if I can do the moves harder. I tell myself its almost over 100 times so I can do it just a little bit more (ok that probably doesn't help the sweating part..lol). I try hard to get that sweat-soaked look. Today, I finally got it. And here are the reasons why (I think):

1. I stayed for the entire class - I usually have to leave 5 minutes early or arrive 5-10 minutes late because of parking/train/transportation issues. Today, I was early and stayed until the very end.

2. I struggled for the ENTIRE class - I used to do about 30% of the moves in Step Aerobics because I just didn't get it and didn't want to look stupid trying them and then messing up, majorly. Now (today especially), I don't care if I can do all the technical moves of it. I just keep stepping. Today, the routine was so confusing, I literally wore myself out with catching up for the entire class. 

3. It was very hot in Queens today - Hey, I know it wasn't ALL me :) I'm honest.

And that's it!

I am just so happy I finally could sport my sweat-soaked tee around so everyone would know I am a gym-girl. Nothing else about me would really say that I am a regular gym-goer. I don't have fancy exercise clothes really. I have 2 pairs of sweat-wicking yoga pants from Old Navy I sometimes sport and I have about 6 tee shirts that I wear over and over again. Nothing sporty or fancy like Nike logo clothes or Adidas, so one might think I am just running around. Not today though! My sweat-soaked shirt (and beet red face) was my evidence. I wore those clothes to the bank, DuaneReade, and walked around the long way to my car so I could feel the cool air on my wet back. Now, I just hope I can do it again soon!

I Was Here!

Hello Friends!

I had a good week so far. I counted my calories every day. I worked out four times (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday). And finally, I went to THREE restaurants for Summer 2011 Restaurant Week. I know that three restaurants seems like a lot in a week, but given the circumstances ($24 or $35 for "fancy" restaurant fare), I think its worth it. I went to Maze by Gordon Ramsey, Destino (an Italian restaurant on the East side), and Trattoria Dell'Arte, another Italian place across from Carnegie Hall. All three had good food, although I'd say Destino definitely had the best service of all. Although it was very tempting to just say, "oh forget counting calories, its a special occasion," I refrained. Instead, I adjusted the food I ate earlier in the day to accommodate the extra calories, I worked out almost daily, and I ate what I wanted, in small portions. Needless to say, I am feeling pretty good about myself.

I think this time around the "lifestyle change" track I am more dedicated to actually thinking about what I am putting in my mouth, instead of thinking of points and how I'll play a numbers game with them later. Before, when I did WW (still love this program) I often knew how to eat small bites and manipulate the points, but now it seems like when I see the actual CALORIES involved, it makes it harder to eat such high-fat foods when I know I can have twice the amount of vegetables for half if not less than the calories of the "fatty" food. I know that sounds a little um, crazy, but when you are trying to stick to a specific goal everyday, it makes it easier. Now, that is not to say I do not want to taste that food, or eat vegetables instead of say, salt and vinegar chips or a little Debbie brownie, but I also want to eat again later that day. I want to eat it all, trust me. But, fitting into a skirt that I have had in my closet for 2 years feels much better than I think a brownie or chips might taste right now. Also, the food is temporary, obviously the skirt isn't going anywhere. I digress. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I believe I am finally developing enough discipline to make smarter choices, even in tough situations (Restaurant Week!).

Well, since I brought it up, I might as well discuss it. I recently cleaned out my closet. I got rid of things I haven't worn, things I was just tired of wearing,  and took inventory of things I hadn't worn in a while, but would like to soon. Low and behold, there were 2 Old Navy brand skirts that I bought a while ago thinking that they'd fit. When I got them home, they did not. And when I say did not fit, I mean more like "really? you thought this would fit?" In fact, I got these skirts when Old Navy had their dressy/work-clothes section actually still IN the store. Anyway, I thought to myself, oh I'll just try them on quickly. YESSSSSS! <-- that was my reaction when I tried on the first one. Now, these are still not small sizes, but I was just so happy to see some progress. It's the little things I guess :)

So, what's up for next week? More gym, more counting, and more variety I think. I am going to try some new recipes, try to up the veggie intake and see how I do. Oh yeah.. last time I wrote I talked about pre-cooking some meals. Well that worked and didn't work. Most of the days I went out, but the food that I did cook was great, especially that Ranch dressing! I love it. The pasta sauce went over well and so did the taco meat. I didn't care for the soup so much, but I think its because I have a thing about leftovers..eew. I just think I need to cook everyday. It's better fresh. We'll see how it goes this week. Beach day tomorrow, so I'll catch you all later!

ps. Hope you liked my pics! The pasta has pesto made with broccoli and Parmesan cheese, which I am going to try to recreate.

Party Party Party!

Whew. I am tired. Yesterday was a friend's birthday party and I have to say, I am pretty proud of myself.I had a great time at Yetty's party and I did indulge in a lot of liquid calories, but I definitely kept a handle on the food. She had all my favorites, including barbeque ribs, empanadias, pasta with homemade meat sauce, chips and dip, macaroni and cheese (prepared by me), fried chicken wings, and of course, red velvet cake. For dinner, I had a few bites of them all. Here's what I had:

2 chicken wings
1 rib
1empanadia
1 bite of macaroni and cheese (I had to taste it before I took it over!)
1 bite of pasta (about 4 penne noodles and a tablespoon of sauce)
1 slice of red velvet cake with frosting

Okay, so I guess when I put it all in a list like that it seems like a "helluva" lot more than what I thought.. hmm.. I am still proud of myself though. I made a conscious effort to watch what I ate, eat on a small plate, and avoid that mindless grazing that can sometimes happen at a party. I also ate a small breakfast and a light lunch (think salad and grilled chicken) because I knew the possibility of increasing a lot of calories later would put me over my limit for the day. For me, this is definitely a Non-Scale Victory (NSV). Normally in situations like that I would give myself a free-for-all eating pass. I'd tell myself, "oh it doesn't matter, its just one night. I won't eat that much the next day."  The next day, I'd feel bad about it and just decide that I had already ruined my eating habits for the weekend, so might as well order a pizza or something else fatty. Not this time my friends, not this time! Alright, so now that I am all proud of myself...

I went overboard on the liquid calories. I had about 4 or 5 jello shots, 1 full glass of sangria, half a shot of Vodka, 1 rum and coke(zero) and 3-4 Cocolosos (thank Diddy for those..lol). I did not even bother to count these in calories. I know it was a lot and because I want to focus on my NSV regarding the food portion, I am not going to beat myself up about consuming so many calories from alcohol. I know that I only conquered half the battle really, but I am counting it as a win anyway. Go ME :)

In other news, I have been cooking up a storm today. I decided that I would try cooking a few meals and a few basic meats for the week. I find that the excuses I use during the week to eat out or eat junk food include not having time to cook, everything being frozen, or just don't have anything on hand. This week, I am trying a new approach. I prepared a chunky chicken soup, homemade pasta sauce with beef, ground turkey taco meat, 2 low-fat beef burgers, and my favorite, homemade ranch dressing! The ranch dressing was really a treat and I have to thank Erika, the author of a great site ( http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/recipes/make-it-at-home-sexy-ranch-dressing/ ) for this recipe.

I'll report back this week with updates on how my food prep today panned out over the week. I also have a few updates with my workout schedule too. And oh yeah, its Restaurant Week in NYC. I really have to budget my calories this week! See you all soon :)

So What?!...I'm Still a Rockstar..

I know, I know, I know. I have not written in almost two weeks! I am failing miserably at all three of the goals I set a few weeks ago. I wish I could say I have a great reason, or that I was meditating, or taking a break from social media, but I can't. I went away for the 4th of July and just dropped everything. I didn't track calories, I did not think twice about what I put in my mouth. I avoided the gym and am still ducking my trainer. With all that said though, I am down 3 pounds!

Although I lost a couple pounds, I still need to get back on track. I have logged back into my fitness journal and am tracking away again. I am pleased to say that I have not eaten too badly. I maintained my portion control (I am finally leaving the "clean-plate club") and I have limited my fried and fatty foods. This week of course is a little more taxing as I am nearing my monthly cycle, but I think with going back to tracking everything is really going to help.

Speaking of helping, I am undecided about this trainer business. Don't get me wrong. I love her and she really does push me. But the cost factor is an issue. And I know, I talked about investing long-term in my health and while that is still true for me, I just don't know that this particular investment at this time is the right thing to do. Not being too specific, I could easily spend $400 a month working with this woman. Considering the fact that I HATE working out and I am paying more than some people's car payment to do so, I should just quit her asap. However, I know that the pricing will go down as we do less sessions together. Decisions, decisions. What are your thoughts about this?

Finally, I just want to say that I have failed miserably the past two weeks, BUT, of course there is a but..lol I have not felt guilty, ashamed, bad, or even sad that I did. I decided to get back on the bandwagon and go again. I am proud to say I can forgive this mistake (yes a 2-week long mistake) and move on already. I also think that in my subconscious mind I needed a test to see if I could come back from a break like this. Hence, the title of today's post. Good to know I can do it!

Also, I have considered trying to step up my game with a new table feature on the side that tracks my exercise. I think having that will also keep me more accountable. I love my little ticker at the top, but I can't update it easily, so maybe the table will be better. However, I haven't been able to do that. I guess I need a little help with it among other things.

So, I am glad to be back and I'll definitely be updating more often! See ya again soon :)